The ability to establish and maintain loving, healthy relationships
– whether that be with family, friends or our partner – is central to our
wellbeing.
As children, we’re dependent on our care-givers to listen,
understand and fulfil our physical and emotional needs. As adults, that
dependency transfers from our primary caregivers onto our romantic partners.
Difficulty maintaining relationships: what might this mean?
Psychologically speaking, we have a tendency to seek out and repeat
what is familiar to us. This is all well and good if we grew up in a warm,
supportive household – but less so if our needs were not met sufficiently in
childhood.
Unfortunately, if we haven’t been provided consistent love and
attention from our primary caregivers as children, we might end up having
difficulties forming and maintaining healthy attachments as adults.
If you find yourself always falling into intense, short-lived
flings and find it hard to maintain stable relationships, therapy can help you
get to the root of why this is happening and guide you towards choosing
healthier partners.
Common long term relationship problems
All relationships go through ups and downs, and reaching a mutual
place of commitment and trust can take work.
Relationship difficulties can happen for all kinds of reasons.
Sometimes issues arise following a sudden, unexpected life event: the death of
a loved on, a new opportunity at work which involves taking on more hours,
infidelity… Other times, difficulties can seep into the relationship gradually
and you can grow apart without even realising it.
All couples fight, and conflict doesn’t necessarily have to be a
negative. In fact, sometimes it can end up strengthening your relationship by
improving the way you communicate and connect as a couple. However, when
fighting becomes the norm it can feel like you’re stuck in a vicious cycle.
The 4 main destructive relationship behaviours are:
1.Criticism – usually used
as a power tactic to make the partner feel belittled and worthless through
verbal attacks.
2. Stonewalling – serves as a
silent rebellion against resolution, either by ignoring the partner or sulking.
3. Defensiveness – a way of
avoiding taking on accountability and putting blame on the partner instead.
4. Contempt – a build up
of negative emotions that are not properly shared with the partner and
ultimately turn into resentment.
Remember, fighting with your partner doesn’t mean you have an
unhealthy relationship. Instead, it’s about the way you manage fights. Learning
how to communicate your needs in an assertive, and non-threatening way is an
essential component of building a healthy, stable relationship.
Signs you’re in an unhealthy relationship
We’re all different, which means we all experience difficulties in
different ways. If you feel like you’re in an unhealthy relationship – you most
likely are, and it’s important to follow your gut instinct.
Below we’ve listed some of the common signs and symptoms:
Physical Symptoms
Feeling unwell / disconnected
Muscle tension around your partner
Psychological Symptoms
Mistrust
Feeling unloved and unworthy
Loneliness and isolation
Feeling misunderstood
Behavioural Symptoms
Being controlled or controlling
A sense of bringing out the worst in one another
Acting defensively
Criticism
Constant judgement and blame towards partner
Unequal give and take
Physical, verbal and emotional abuse
Avoiding or clinging
How does couples therapy work?
Love is a skill, and as with any skill it needs to be learned and
cultivated. Some couples are naturally more aware of their needs and better
able to communicate them to their partners. This ability largely rests upon the
way in which someone grows up – what kind of childhood they had, whether their
emotional needs were met and whether they were given the power to voice them.
Being able to form a safe, healthy relationship is vital for our
mental and emotional wellbeing. Sometimes bringing an objective voice into the
equation can guide you in uncovering and identifying the underlying causes of
relational tension. And when that happens, you’ll have greater clarity to make
a decision on how you’re going to manage the relationship going forward.
Some types of therapies :
Emotion Focused Couples Therapy
Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a form of therapy which
will help you better understand each partner’s needs in the relationship. It is
especially helpful for couples wishing to better connect emotionally with each
other, helping them form a deeper bond that has perhaps not yet been
established in the relationship. EFT is a short-term therapy and will usually
last anywhere from 8 to 20 sessions.
Schema Couples Therapy
Schema Therapy works on the understanding of schemas. A schema is a
“life-trap” or belief about the world (or ourselves) that we adopt in response
to the difficulties we experience in life. Our schemas can be traced all the
way back to our experiences in childhood, and they develop according to our how
our emotional needs were met – or unmet.
Schema therapy will help you and your partner identify your core
schemas so you can get a better understanding of how they are impacting your
relationship. Your therapist will work with you over a longer period of time,
using experiential and behavioural interventions, as well as cognitive
strategies, in order that you can both get your emotional needs met in the
relationship. This therapy works to change how you feel, as well as think and
behave.
Behavioural Couples Therapy
Behavioural Couples Therapy (BCT) focuses around working on
unhelpful behavioural patterns which may be impacting the relationship,
particularly in cases where one partner is struggling with depression. It works
to help you get a better idea of where you stand in the relationship – and
ultimately decide if you both want to work to find a resolution or to exit the
relationship. With your therapist, you’ll work to get a better understanding of
the relational impact of depression and developing better communication skills.
BCT is a solution-focused therapy and will typically last anywhere between 8 to
12 sessions.
To find out more about which approach to therapy might be best for
you, contact us for a free phone consultation.
Common relationship myths
“You need to be at breaking point to go to couples therapy’”
The reverse is true: the earlier you start couples therapy, the
better your chances for faster and more effective results.
“50% of marriages end in divorce”
In the UK, 42% of marriages end in divorce. Marrying before the age
of 20 is a significant predictor of divorce, while couples who marry after 30
are much less likely to get divorced. As a general trend, divorce rates are
decreasing. However, for the older generations it’s actually increasing.
“Once the passion’s gone,
it’s gone”
Whilst there’s some truth that the initial infatuation that comes
with starting a new relationship doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t need to mean
that the passion completely disappears. It’s about learning how to balance the
comfort of creating a “safe space” together with the desire for mystery and
unpredictability. There are always fresh and exciting ways to reignite the
passion.
“Happily ever after exists”
There’s a modern day fantasy that we’re going to find the perfect
partner who meets all of our needs. Romantic comedies conveniently end at the
start of marriage which means they tend to omit the less sexy parts of being in
a relationship, like shared chores and responsibilities. Instead of fooling
ourselves with the illusion of a perfect relationship, we’re better to set
healthier expectations for love. We can substitute this idea of the “perfect
partner” with the “good enough” partner – the one who’s up for working through
challenges when times get tough. This allows us to see that we have a choice in
who we build a relationship with, and also helps us understand that it takes
respect, commitment and investment from both parties to create and nurture the
future you want.
“If we are having serious problems in our relationship it means we
should breakup”
Of course, in some cases, when difficulties arise some
relationships need to come to an end. But this certainly isn’t the case for all
relationships. Recognising something is wrong means you have the opportunity to
change it. And if both parties are willing to do the work this can actually end
up strengthening a relationship. Seeing challenges as an opportunity to change
rather than a diagnosis of failure is key.
Self-help tools
Relationship difficulties can have a significant impact on our
mental and emotional wellbeing, and if we don’t look after ourselves properly
they can lead to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, eating
disorders etc. If struggles in your relationship are taking their toll, it’s
crucial that you prioritise taking care of yourself. Doing so is going to
benefit both you and your partner as it will allow you to engage and work on
the relationship from a healthier, stronger standpoint.
Self-care comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes – so it’s all
about finding what works for you. If you’re still in the process of working out
whether therapy is right for you, we’ve included some tips for what you can be
doing to take care of yourself in the meantime:
· Take some space (emotionally or
physically) – reconnect with yourself as an
independent individual rather than simply identifying as your partner’s other
half.
· Increase your self-awareness – educate yourself about what it really means to have a healthy
relationship. Most importantly, take time to think about your needs, and how they
are or are not being met currently.
· Identify triggers (yours and your
partner’s) – consider keeping a diary of your
fights and reflect on how both you and your partner play a part in reinforcing
an unhealthy dynamic. What could you improve? How would you like to see them
improve?
· Work on changing the way you
communicate – when the gloves are off and you
find yourself fighting with your partner, try reframing your thinking and
perception. Notice if any of these behaviours are happening and try to change the
way you communicate accordingly.
Labelling – instead of
using you-statements, try using I-statements e.g. Instead of saying “You are
horrible,” consider saying “I feel unloved when you do this [behaviour].”
Catastrophising – involves
instinctively thinking that something is meant in a more vicious way, or has
far worse consequences, than it actually does. Try to take some space or call
an objective friend before reacting in a way you might regret.
Fortune-telling – assuming
that you know what’s on your partner’s mind or why they’re acting in a certain
way is a sure-fire route to getting the wrong end of the stick. Instead, try
having a conversation and ask open-ended questions. That way your partner will
feel heard and you can also describe where you are coming from.
All-or-nothing speak – making all
or nothing statements are not conducive to effective communication as our
initial reaction is to prove the other person wrong with a counter-example.
Instead, try describing that you feel there is a pattern of behaviour that you
would like to work with your partner to overcome.
Focusing only on the negative –
instead try acknowledging aspects of your partner’s behaviour and efforts that
you appreciate, and admit to areas in which you can improve. This way they’re
likely to feel like you’re both in a team and more likely to take on your
request.
Bringing up unrelated past incidents – far-sightedness is likely to increase the chances of feeling
like you are stuck in a negative situation. Try to let bygones be bygones, or,
if you feel like there may be a deeper issue at hand (eg. you don’t feel safe
or heard in the relationship), discuss the deeper issue and work towards a
resolution rather than layering past incidents to prove your case.